Getting Real

First off I want to make an apology to my mother and other delicate folks I am going to swear a fair bit in this post, there are some points that need the added effaces of a four letter word.

Secondly I would like to say how excited I am that fingers crossed my computer issues are over.

Thirdly, this post is honest I am sick of bullshit. One thing I have always wanted for my blog is to be authentic, thus the photos that I post they are not staged they are just my real life moments captured. The same about what I write, I maybe wrong, I may upset some folks but its me for better or worse shared with the world (well anyone who cares to read it).

This is in part the post I wanted to write for last Sunday but couldn't because my computer was having some sort of nervous brake down, a bit like myself.

My baby girl in no longer a new born. She is past six weeks old the theory now is that we are settling into a nice routine, the theory would also be that being my third baby I know what I am doing. Let me tell you both theories are bullshit. I'm not sure if its me or if there is something I'm doing wrong but I am not in a routine. Some days seem to have a lovely rhythm our days its all bets off and I seem to spend the day with a baby a attached to my boob as I make lunch, peg out washing and wrangle a toddler.

 

The truth is I am not the mother I thought I would be. When I was pregnant with my first i imagined a case book ten hour labour, I imagined breast feeding with ease for twelve months, taking lovly walks with my baby in the pram, sitting in cafes breast feeding while i sipped on decaf coffee. This was not the reality. I had an emergency c-section, struggled to breast feed, felt ashamed and like i had failed my child before I had even started.

Second time round I thought I had it covered lost weight and got fitter going into my pregnancy to hold me in good stead for the pregnancy. This time I was going to to be the earth mother i longed to be. Read the books, did the classes, meditated, drank herbal tonics. Ended up after four days of spurus labor with another emergency c-section, Struggled again with breast feeding and ended up a mess literally (and I know that word is over used but this is not the case this time) Laying on my kitchen floor howling as my baby screamed and I felt totally overwhelmed and unable to sooth my child.

But the third time I was a bit more realistic going into things. I booked in for a c-section. Even shelled out to stay in a very nice private hospital so that I could have a longer rest and go home feeling more capable. This time I had hoped that I could breast feed with ease after all second time round it took a long time to get established but then I feed my daughter till she was 18 months.

However my daughter is almost seven weeks old and we are still struggling with feeding. And may I add struggling to find good support. She is slow to put on weight so I offer her formula after i breast feed her sometimes she takes it other times i can hardly get 5mls into her.   

Its a strange feeling when I watch her drink most of the bottle in part I feel relieved that she is getting what she wants the other part of me feels bereft that my body feels like it is failing me because I so desperately wanted to breast feed her. But it doesn't seem to matter what I eat, drink or  swallow I cant seem to build up my milk supple. And that makes me feel like a fucking failure. 

At a time in my life when i want to be all happy and earth mothery skipping along the street with my gorgeous and amazing children I once again feel like a failure. In my head i know that I have done my best, tried as hard as i can, that I am in fact extremely blessed to have three healthy kids, that I have access to safe drinking water in which to clean bottles and make up formula. But my heart betrays me and I feel like as a mother and as a woman I have done something wrong.

 Now i know that what i just wrote seems rather alarmist and thos who are close to me and know that I have suffered from PND in the past now maybe worried that I am going down that path again. Maybe I am nut I don't feel to bad today I'm tired and need more rest but this time I wont try and be brave and pretend that its all really easy when at times it feels really fucked. I also want you to know that its not all dark clouds. My baby girl is a very calm and settled baby she sleeps well and is so lovely to hold. When I watch the two bigger ones adoring their baby sister i feel at peace that the family is complete. Its just unfortunate but reality that with sun shine comes the rain.

I would really like to gather some stories of difficulties you had when your baby was first born and how you got thru it. Because I think as mother when we can be honest that this is really bloody hard at times it makes the good moments all the sweeter. So email me laurshapal@gmail.com or leave something in the comments.